Some of the Best Christmas Cracker Jokes

These Christmas Cracker jokes were submitted as part of our Advent Calendar competition in 2013, but as some of these were the best (and silliest) Christmas jokes we’d heard in a long time, we thought we’d share a roundup of the best entries below.

Advent calendars haven’t been very popular this year….
In fact, their days are numbered.

What are the 4 stages of life>
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You dress up as Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut open until Christmas.

How many chimneys does Father Christmas go down?
Stacks.

What is the best Christmas present ever?
A drum, you can’t beat it.

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey – as he’s always stuffed.

What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
Christmas Quacker.

Vixen: Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks?
Santa: Because they are my ‘star bucks’.

What do you get is you cross a snowman with a shark?
Frostbite

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-deer.

What did Santa say when Rudolph told him a joke?
“You sleigh me.”

What is an Ig?
An Eskimo’s house without a toilet.

Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
Rude-olph.

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a snowman?
A cold snap.

It’s been hard getting over my HokeyCokey addiction.
But I’ve turned myself around & that’s what its all about.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in a suit gets all the credit 🙂

A man stole an Advent Calendar.
He got 25 days.

How do Snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.

What do angry mice send each other at Christmas time?
Cross mouse cards

Why are christmas trees no good at sewing?
Because they keep dropping there needles..

Who gives presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws.

What is the definition of Christmas?
When everyone gets “Santa – mental”

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthur any more mince pies left?

What kind of music do elves like best?
Wrap music.

What do you call Santa’s helper when he wins the lottery?
Welfy.

Where do snow men go to dance?
Snow balls.

Who is Santa’s favourite singer?
‘Elf-is Presley’.

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call a one eyed deer?
No ‘eye’-dea.

What do you get if you cross an iPad with a Christmas tree?
A Pineapple …

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A wonkey.

Why did the Mushroom get invited to all the Christmas parties?
‘Cuz he’s a fungi.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Avery.
Avery who?
Avery Merry Christmas.

What exams did Santa sit?
Ho Ho Ho levels.

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan .

Why Does Santa come down the chimney at Christmas?
Because it soots him.

How do you know Santa is in the room?
You can feel his ‘presence’.

What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture?
Santa claws

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem.

How does Santa like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp, and even.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there ?
Holly.
Holly who ?
Holly-days are here again.

What did one snowman say to the other?
Can you smell carrots?

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What did Santa say to his wife when he looked out the window?
It looks like rein-deer..

What do you get if you cross a bear with a mint?
A polo bear

What is Rudolph’s favourite day of the year?
Red nose day.

What is Mr Snowman’s Favourite Song?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

What do you call an Elf who sings?
A wrapper.

Who says “Oh Oh Oh”?
Santa going backwards

What does a snowman have for breakfast?
Snowflakes

Which is a child’s favourite king?
A stocking.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there ?
Snow.
Snow who ? 
Snow business like show business.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsel-itis

Where does senta get his medical checkups?
The national elf service.

Qhat is brown and sneaks around the kitchen at night?
Mince spies.